Day 5

Day 5 tells me to describe a time when I felt like ending my own life.



I don't know that I've ever been suicidal, but there has been one time in my life when I was desperately sad. I spent the day, New Year's Day interestingly, crying in a fetal position on my bed.



Without mentioning any names or saying anyone was bad or whatever, I'll just say I suffered a rather yucky breakup. Before this time I never thought much about teenage breakups or really teenage romances. I always kinda thought it was a little ridiculous for teenagers to think they were SO IN LOVE. Well, dadgummit, I changed my own mind. For three years I "dated" this guy, two of these years we never went anywhere because he couldn't date until he was 16. I was a year older, so I waited for him to become of that age. During this time I developed very strong, very real feelings for this guy. I definitely have a lot of love and loyalty to give someone, and I gave it to him.

Well, I guess all I should say is that it did not end well. Maybe I idolized him. Maybe he wasn't a very good boyfriend. Whatever the reasons BETWEEN US TWO, it did not end well. We broke up November 5th, the day of our 3 year anniversary. I spent that day crying, too, but it wasn't until I saw him New Year's Eve with someone else, that I fell utterly apart. It took me months to get to the point where it didn't make me sad to think about him. I still sometimes tear up when I hear Rascal Flatts' song "What Hurts the Most" or Nick Lachey's "I Can't Hate You Anymore" or Evanescence's "My Immortal" or Katherine McPhee's "Over It". One day I am going to make a book of these songs and my own poems I wrote during and after that terrible time.